Stand Up to Bullies
I am not a visual artist, not like the amazing people I saw at the Adobe MAX conference in LA. But upon learning about The Bully Project and the Digital Mural, I still wanted to participate.
When the word The Bully Project was presented my mind immediately went back to junior high, which is odd since I remember so little of that time. I had a crooked spine and it took a few years and a lot of pain to straighten out. I remember starting seventh grade and finishing ninth grade, but very little else, except the bullying incident is clear.
At our junior high we had a girl bully named “C” who constantly picked on a lot of kids, especially a girl named “M.” One day “C” headed my way, and I knew it was to try and bully me. Shy bookworm, however, does not mean doormat. My parents had instilled a strong sense of self in me. Instead of waiting, I remember walking toward her and introducing myself. I asked her about herself and asked her if she like to read. She said she did, and she liked mysteries. I asked her if she had ever read Nancy Drew. She said no. I told her I would loan her one. I brought it the next day. I don’t think I ever got that book back, but it didn’t matter; and I turned a bully into, if not a friend, then at least not a threat.
However, “C” was still picking on “M” pretty heavily. Shortly after I loaned “C” the book I saw her approach “M”, so I walked up to be with her before “C” could get there. I remember introducing them to each other and I think we talked about reading, Nancy Drew in particular. After that “C” left “M” alone.
But, the story doesn’t end there. Eventually I noticed that although “M” was no longer being bullied, she now had no attention, almost like she was invisible. I don’t remember having any classes with her, but our lockers were close to each other. Every day I smiled and said, “Hi M” and if there was the time, ask her how she was doing or how her classes were going. I can’t say she became a close friend, but she is one of my few memories of junior high.
I seldom saw “M” when we got to High School; there were just so many kids. But one day she tracked me down. She wanted me to know that I was the reason she didn’t kill herself in junior high. That was a lot to process. It is also the reason I probably go overboard and greet everyone I see with a smile and hi. I realized at the Adobe MAX presentation that it’s also important that when bullying ends, the ignoring doesn’t begin.
But it’s also important to note that bullies aren’t just in school. They are everywhere. The guy that kicks the back of your seat on a plane. The group that makes you feel that you have to move on public transportation. The people that make you feel unwelcome. Bullies also exist in the workplace.
My second bully was a boss. The first thing he said the day he started was: “I wanted to fire all of you and hire all my own people but the company wouldn’t let me.” And he wasn’t joking. He then proceeded to make our lives miserable so we would quit. He would come in, stand behind you and make disparaging comments about whatever you were doing. I had been in Karate for quite a while by this time, and I started employing the same self-defense techniques you use for sexual harassment. I stood up every time he entered my cubicle and asked what I could do for him. I did not let him stand behind me or look over my shoulder. I didn’t let him start the conversation. I was always pleasant and firm. I would not sit down until he left the area.
One of his other bullying tactics was to write you up for every infraction, real or imagined. He called me in one day to tell me he was writing me up for doing personal things during business hours. I can count the number of times I’ve really lost my temper on one hand, and this was one of them. I said to him, “So are you writing up everyone in the company? Because there isn’t a single person here who doesn’t do personal things during business hours, including you!” The example I slammed him with was that rather than reviewing our copy he would spend hours working on stuff for an association he belonged to; and then yelling at us because our work was late. Things got loud and heated. At one point I said, “Hai,” which means “yes” in Japanese, and I said it from the gut. He knew I was in Karate and pushed his chair back from the table, I think because he thought I was going to attack him. I was sure I was going to be fired, but things got much better for me after that. As a group we copywriters shared our experiences and decided to stick together and wait him out, eight months later he was gone and we were all still working there.
I’ll end with a little plug for martial arts; it’s great for exercise and builds self-confidence. It also has a great effect on bullies and the bullied. I’ve seen bullies calm down and become less aggressive. I’ve seen shy kids come out of their shell and blossom. Although, I once had a young girl tell me, very stubbornly with arms crossed, that she didn’t want to learn how to punch and kick, she never wanted to hurt anyone ever! I said, “I don’t want to hurt anyone ever either, but not everyone feels that way. What if someone tries to hurt you? You have to remember you have a right not to be hurt. That’s why we learn self-defense.” She looked surprised, thought it over, and participated in the course.
